Inventory Without Resolution: Trusting God With What I’d Rather Ignore
We have reached the dreaded inventory stage of ReGeneration (Re:Gen). If you know anything about 12 step programs, you know that there comes a time where poop hits the fan. Now, I just want to let you know I'm not in Re:Gen for drugs or alcohol. If I'm being honest... I joined by accident. Lured by the chance of bonding with the women on staff and learning more about my self to improve my future outcomes, I thought What the heck? But, what I was met with was a little less rainbows and sunshine and a far more truth.
These past 3 steps have been fairly a breeze compared to the beast of step 4. I felt like I was making strides in the right direction. Forming better relationships, understanding myself and my actions, expressing my thoughts more. I thought I was healed!
However, I've realized this past week (week 1 of inventory) that I hadn't brought to light all of the traumas of my past. Things that I thought didn't effect me because they were too far removed nudged there way through. I think the truth of the matter is that I don't want to acknowledge these past hurts *I hate to even call them that because it makes me a victim and a victim isn't a victor.
I've fought very hard to be "normal."
Yet, these memories of old keep reminding me that I am anything but...
That I to ... am broken
unresolved.
The brutal thing about this step is that it's just data capturing. We are cataloging every resentment, fear, harm done by us, harm done to us, sexual abuse, etc. But that's were it stops. No fixing. No mending. Just writing it down and sitting in it.
How do I sit in it without having it consume me? Better yet, how do I process resentment towards God?
Isn't that wrong! Isn't that a sign that i've taken steps backwards. Steps 1-3 are about admitting our role in the sin of the world, believe that God can heal, and trusting that he will. I know these Biblical truth but right now it is doing nothing to make me feel better or heal me, what then... do I do?
Scripture doesn’t shy away from this tension. Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in Him at all times… pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
Not polish your heart. Not filter it. Pour it out.
Maybe this step isn’t about fixing anything at all. Maybe it’s about honesty.
Because God does not recoil from brokenness. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Near, not after the healing, not once I’ve sorted myself out, but right here, in the unresolved.
So what do I do when I don’t understand what God is doing, and trusting Him feels harder than before?
Surrender.
I recently heard a sermon delivered by a good friend and coworker, where he spoke about surrendering and what that looks like. Although giving these words to a group of teenagers about lust and purity, I couldn't help but also feel it applied to me. In short he said that Jesus came to rescue and restore and that we just need to pray and confess to the Father. Broken and unresolved so that he might show a sinner like me grace and mercy.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5–6).
Not because it makes sense.
But because He is faithful.
That night we sang “God, I’m Just Grateful” by Elevation Worship and Chandler Moore. And maybe that’s where this step leads — not to answers yet, not to healing yet — but to surrender. To gratitude, even in the inventory. Even in the mess.
A prayer I’m praying as I walk through this step:
God, I come to You without answers, without resolution, and without pretending I’m okay. You see every memory, every resentment, every fear I’ve written down, even the ones I wish didn’t exist. Teach me how to sit with what hurts without letting it harden my heart. Help me trust You when healing feels slow and surrender feels costly. I give You what I don’t understand, believing You are still near, still good, and still working. Amen.
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