There are parts of motherhood that are celebrated loudly, the first smiles, the tiny clothes, the joy of bringing life into the world. And then there are parts no one really prepares you for.
I would be lying if I said my first year of motherhood was blissful, to be quite honest, it kinda sucked. We were living with my in-laws and that relationship was beginning to sour. Sweet moments were shadowed by feelings of inadequacy. Why wasn't I able to deliver naturally? My mother-in-law breastfed for 2 years, why couldn't I? So and so's baby slept through the night at ___ months. What am I doing wrong?
Under a cloud of hormones and post surgery medication, I felt lost. I felt like I didn't matter anymore.
Friends retreated from me. Conversations faded. Invitations stopped. And in the haze of postpartum exhaustion, it was hard not to internalize that loss as something personal. Like maybe I was too much now. Or not enough. Or simply no longer worth the effort.
Scripture says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I understand that now in ways I didn’t then. Some friendships were not meant to follow me into this season, and even knowing that, the grief was still real.
My relationship with my body also changed. I felt disconnected from the body that carried me through pregnancy and labor. The body that had undergone major surgery. The scar was a mark of disappointment, loss of control, and unanswered prayers. I had a perfect delivery plan, why couldn't God follow it?
“We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” — Proverbs 16:9. I had to grieve the plan I held so tightly and learn to trust God in the reality I was given. Knowing that God is good even when I don't feel it or see it.
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When I think about this past year as a first time mom, I realize I was becoming someone new. Even kicking and screaming, God was going to see me through this transformation and bring me to the other side victorious. *still working on the victorious part.
This year was slow, full of loss and growth. But I didn't want to grow. I was comfortable the way I was. Yet God knew it was time for change. A time for me to loosen the reins. To fall on my face before him. To entrust him with all my burdens so he could help me carry them. So he could redeem all my broken pieces.
Scripture says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Even when people didn’t notice my pain, God was near to it. God met me in it. The work I must do now is to allow him in. To be okay if he is the only one who sees me. Understands me. The only one who can redeem me.
Pray with me:
Lord,
You see the parts of me that feel unseen.
You know the grief I carry alongside gratitude,
the ways motherhood has stretched and reshaped me.
Help me extend kindness to my body, grace to my heart,
and trust to the work You are doing in me, even when I don’t fully understand it.
Remind me that I still matter, that I am still loved, and that You are near.
Amen.
Respond with me:
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28
Take a moment to sit with this verse.
What feels heavy right now?
What would it look like to bring that honestly to God today?
Be blessed xx
